Realizations...

This week I have realized a very important fact about my life here: I am a student. I have homework. I have research to do. I have group assignments to begin. And I have to learn where the library is...

In the excitement and emotions of being here, I confess that I allowed myself to fall into what I like to call the "First Weeks Floating Phase". It is that blissful time in the semester when you float into class, pick up the syllabus, float through the lectures only somewhat paying attention, and then float out of the class, letting your mind float away from the class and to more important objects of thought like plans for the evening or the next meal to be consumed. I have been floating in this realm for the past four weeks and have had an abrupt wake-up call the past few days, which have mostly been spent in the computer lab and pouring over my textbooks. I have decided that the floating phase has come to an end.

Other news in my life- I have a new family! They are absolutely amazing and I am already feeling comfortable with them and at ease in my new home. I am helping Celeste (the mom) with random stuff around the house, as she suffers from terrible migraines that sometimes make it impossible for her to get out of bed in the morning. She is a joy to be around and we became friends instantly. Her husband, Jon is also great and they have a 6 year old son, Asher. It is such a blessing to be living with them, one that I likely would have taken for granted had I not experienced such a contrast from my first home here.

There's something really beautiful that happens when all that you count on is gone. And I mean gone for more than a day or two. Removed from your life for an extended period of time to the point where you ache for the familiarity and comfort and reassurance that comes with it. And until now, I have never truly experienced the depths of this feeling, nor have I had to prove what I profess to believe when I say that Christ alone is enough. That when I take away everything else- family, friends, a friendly place to come home to, a familiar face, time spent the way I want to spend it...I am still perfectly content. Content in the truth of Christ alone and His saving grace for my life. The past weeks have been so challenging for my heart because God has made me aware of how tightly I am holding onto worldly things and how closed my fist is around certain parts of my life. And that until I open up my fist and consider these things a blessing and not a non-negotiable, I will be controlled by self and the things I cling to so tightly, instead of Christ himself. It is a self-examination that has resulted in the realization of my conditional contentedness, which in reality is conditional faith and love for God. It is taking God in a conditional way with my own expectations and not simply following, obeying, loving. This is what we are called to do as Christians, and God is showing me more and more, through my sinfulness and imperfections, what it means to truly be a disciple of Christ.

"When humility delivers a man from attachment to his own works and his own reputation, he discovers that true joy is only possible when we have completely forgotten ourself. And it is only when we pay no more attention to our own life and our own reputation and our own excellence that we are at last completely free to serve God in perfection for His own sake alone."

-Thomas Merton